She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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