I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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