Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
