Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
