You really coming over, don't trick.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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