He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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