Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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