In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
