You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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