honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize