I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
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