You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I would ride that face into the sunset
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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