Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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