It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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