My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize