Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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