so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
