Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
