so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
