he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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