I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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