I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
