i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
