I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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