i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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