Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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