You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Randomize
