he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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