I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
