Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
