you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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