Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
