my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
