Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It's just like the Real World with babies
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
