You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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