my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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