You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
