I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize