god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
