Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
