the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
