My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
