we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
