Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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