Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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