when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
