Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
