whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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