i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
