I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
