I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
