What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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