My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
