yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
