Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i out mim tonsoeep
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