you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
